Day 45: Words of Love

i remember when i was younger, when crushes would come and go almost without notice. i would believe i was in "love" with someone but being only 5, 6, 10, 11, or 15 you really don't know what the word means. you understand infatuation, you begin to understand lust early in your teen years, but love?

love is a different beast all together.

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my parents were not the type to say, "son, i love your mother because..." or, "chris, the thing about dad is...". really they never needed to, even through fights, quiet arguments, and the more rare walking out of a room to get away, i always knew they loved one another.

even before i knew what "love" was.

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first time i knew i was in love i am not going to recap here, not in this post, but it's also the first time i ever said "i love you" to someone who was not directly related to me in some way. in fact,  i have only said it to three people (including this first) since.

it's not because love is out of reach, i just look at it differently.

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i don't think many people love one another, nor do i think that you have to "be with" the person you love. i think it just happens, i think it's rare, and it is more feeling, instinct i guess, than emotion.

i also think that you never really stop loving those who you have fallen in love with. you can drag them through the mud, be dragged by them, abused, whatever, and i still think deep down the feeling of love always remains. it's odd maybe to think about love this way, but really, love is just a weird concept.

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i really don't know where i am going with this. i love, i know i do, but i don't love easily. i am guarded, quiet, and mostly keep to myself those thoughts and emotions that i hold dear.

i think what i am trying to say, what i think love is, is understanding.